Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
