He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
