Cold hands, warm shart.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you would pick up someone in the library
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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