you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
