oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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