Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
