Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
