There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
