So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
