Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
