i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
