Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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