one two three fourrrrnication!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
