Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
