So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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