what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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