This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
