I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
