i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
