I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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