I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
