He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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