i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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