Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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