I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
