she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i dont even know how to be here
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
