She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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