Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
