she woke up with a sticky ear
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
