How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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