Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
