oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
