any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
