we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
