T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
