I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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