You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
