Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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