3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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