all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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