My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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