I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
