oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You made out with two different species that night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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