I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
nutella sex= disaster
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
