I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
