is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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