im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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