We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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