So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
