So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
