I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
