I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We don't watch enough power rangers
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
